Make Me Shiny
by Northernfaerie
Summary: Ryuichi has trouble adjusting to being back in Japan. What made him leave for New York in the first place? Who can make him shiny again?
1. Just another day

"Okay, we'll stop right there for today!" I open my eyes and slowly come back down to earth. The mixer on the other side of the recording window is grinning at me and giving me a thumbs up.

"Yay! Can we go eat now? Kumagoro is hungry, na no da!" I burst out of the recording room in a blur of energy. I love the way everyone's faces light up when I behave like such a hyperactive child.

"We'll have to stop and get some food on the way to your appointment, you're already going to be late." A gruff voice behind me responds. I whip around to come face-to-chest with my burly bodyguard Ken. Awkwardly I crane my head back so I can effectively work my puppy dog eyes magic on him. "Awww but Kumagoro wants the special carrot sushi I made for him last night. We have to go home, please please please please please please?" I let my eyes fill with tears, that are only partly for show.

"Ryuichi, your bunny will have to wait for the sushi until after your appointment. You know this is for your own good." And with that Ken ushers me out of the building and into the limo as gently as if I am an antique doll, but with such a firmness I can not break free. I sit in the back and sulk for a few nanoseconds, before Kuma reminds me I need to be happy and shiny. I cuddle him tightly and reach under the seat in a search for my crayons. 'Yo-yo…. bug collection… tennis racquet… I really should learn how to play tennis someday…. toothbrush… kazoo… ew, what's this?' My hand comes out a sticky brown mess. I sniff it cautiously. Whew, only melted chocolate. I grab a faded blanket from under the seat to wipe it off, before reaching back under to renew my search. The limo stops so abruptly I slide forward and fall on the floor. With my face on the ground I peer curiously at the vast amount of paraphernalia hidden under the seat. 'Ah! There are my crayons, na no da!' As I reach forward to grab them I feel a fresh breeze against my face and realize Ken has opened the door for me. He waits patiently as wriggle out of the car on my stomach, the much searched for crayons in one hand and my trusty bunny in the other.

"Do you need me to come with you this time Ryu-chan?" Ken asks in a surprisingly gentle voice. Something inside of me wavers for a second but I brush it aside and gaze at Kumagoro for reassurance. His eyes sparkle and he nods at me comfortingly.

"It's alright Ken, Kuma is the only one I need" I hear myself saying.

Yes. That was the right answer I am relieved to see, as Ken relaxes slightly (meaning now instead of being as hard as steel he is merely bolder-ish). I grip onto my pink bunny tightly and we enter the building together.

_Later..._

The shadows of the trees make pretty patterns over my legs as we zoom down a sun dappled street. The light shines even brighter for a moment as I squint my eyes. After I blink the light dulls and a wetness drops onto my cheek. The taxi pulls to a stop and the driver looks at me expectantly. I hardly notice this as I stumble out of the car in a daze. "Where am I?" I whisper to Kumagoro. He tells me to worry about that later and go back to pay the cab driver. Always the law-abiding sort of fellow, that bunny. I turn around but the taxi has already left me. How long have I been standing here? I look up curiously but the sky gives no clues. 'Well then come along sun, we can search for time together.'

It is dark by the time I make my way back to my apartment. The sun has long ago given up on our search and gone to bed. I don't let that stop me though! I continue on alone. Always alone. No! Kuma is with me. 'Of course, of course I didn't forget about you, please don't be angry with me' I gaze pleadingly down at my pink companion. He merely smiles his gentle bunny smile and I sigh with relief. So _together_ Kuma and I make our way into our apartment and stand alone… _together_… in the middle of the vast darkness of the empty living room. I shiver as a slight chill settles in my chest and begins to creep outwards, blackening every part of my body it touches with icy coldness. If I don't move quickly I will be frozen in this spot forever! I yank my body free, dash over to the phone and hit the first number on speed dial.

"Hello?" A familiar voice mumbles into the phone.

"Shuichi! Kumagoro is bored so we're going out. Wanna come with us?"

"Ryu? Is that you? Do you realize it's already 4 am? Nothing's open right now!"

I wilt in defeat. "Oh… I guess Kuma will have to wait until tomorrow then…" I trail off, afraid Shu-chan will be able to hear the rising panic in my voice.

"Is…._mmm_…something the matter Ryuichi? …_ahhh Yuki stop it!_….Do you want me to come over?" His voice caresses my ears with it's restrained passion and I cannot bring myself to ask him to leave his lover to come save me from myself.

"No, no… we'll see you at lunch tomorrow ne? Have a good night!" I slam down the phone, run over to the couch and crawl under it with a blanket.

"Be very quiet Kuma, we can't let it find us here…"

But it is too late. It's no use trying to keep the darkness out because it comes from inside of me. I shudder and pull Kumagoro tighter, hoping desperately that some of his shiny-ness will rub off on me.

How pathetic is that? Here I am, a legendary pop singer so messed up I'm hiding under a couch in the dark of my own house with only a stuffed pink rag to comfort me! I hate this! Why am I always alone!

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" I shout at my one remaining lifeline, and whip him as far away from me as I can, immediately pulling myself back into a ball under the couch.

I squeeze my eyes shut and savour the waves of pain that undulate through my body. This night is endless. I will be here forever and no one will even notice I am gone. I wish I could sink through the floor and disappear into nothingness. Maybe if I wish it hard enough, I really will disappear. I hold my breath and tense my muscles, trying to fold my body into itself. 'Smaller, smaller! You'll never disappear unless you can make yourself much smaller than that!' My throat is aching from choking back screams of fury. I am gasping for air. The blanket presses against my face, wet with sweat and tears. Finally I sigh in relief as it helps push me into the floor. 'Thank you blanket… for helping me… disappear.'

_Later..._

'Kuma, stop tickling me! I won't let you pour the cereal for breakfast if you insist on waking me like this all the time, and I _know_ how much you love to pour the cereal!' But the relentless scratching only intensifies. I open my eyes. Pretty light filters through the weaves in the blanket wrapped around my head. 'Oh, so _that_ is what's scratching me. I guess you're off the hook this time Kumagoro.' I spoke too soon. Kuma grabs the blanket twisted around my body and pulls me out into a brighter light.

"Ryuichi! What are you doing sleeping under the couch? Ken says you snuck out after your appointment yesterday and he's been worried sick about you."

'Kuma, you were with me the whole time… you know I trust you with my life.'

"Ryuichi, are you going to answer me? You're going to be late for work if you don't move quick like a bunny!"

'Quick like a bunny? That's a horrible pun Kuma-chan. You're really not a morning-rabbit are you? You are usually more witty than this.'

Suddenly the blanket is pulled away and fresh air whooshes into my lungs. I smile up at the blonde bombshell gazing worriedly down at me.

"Good morning Tohma! Did you come to eat breakfast with us? Kuma gets to pour the cereal _and_ the orange juice today because I thought it was his fault for waking me up when really it was the fault of this silly blanket and…"

"Ryu, did you listen to anything I just said?" His voice as gentle as an angel's but tinged with a sadness that I know is _my_ fault!

"Oh yes Tohma, yes I was listening! You said…ahh… that I should be more like Kumagoro!" I smile triumphantly as my eyes plead with him to play along.

His hand…so soft!… brushes my sticky hair away from my face. He cups my chin in his palm and brings my face close to his. How I long to wrap my fingers into his silky platinum hair and pull him inside of me. I just know he would be shiny enough to fight the darkness there and set me free. I am light headed at the feeling of his body so close to mine. I breathe in exactly when he breathes out so I can capture some of that lucky air that got to be inside of him just seconds ago.

"Alright, let's go have some breakfast then. I'm sure Kumagoro is waiting impatiently for his moment to shine!" His hand drops away but now the worried look is replaced with a smile that makes me want to squeeze Kumagoro for joy! 'Kuma… wait, Kuma… where are you?' I untangle myself from the blankets and shake them out, crawl back under the couch and search for him there, but he is nowhere to be found. 'Kuma!' I start to panic. The couch is pressing down on me so I can't breathe. Dust falls down onto my face and I start to choke. "Kuma! I'm trapped! I need you, please! Kuma!" My eyes are wet… it's the dust again… it makes my eyes water… I blink furiously to clear my vision and try to claw myself back out from under the couch but I am lost. 'Which way is out?' Something is grabbing my ankle. I scream and scramble to shake myself free but the iron grip pulls me backwards, so fiercely the carpet burns like a flame against my cheek. Light washes over me once more and Kumagoro is thrust into my limp arms. Panting and sobbing I hold onto him for dear life. "I'm sorry Kumagoro, I'm sorry! Please don't leave me again…" Warmness surrounds me and I realize I am wrapped in Tohma's comforting embrace. I bury my face into his chest and savour the moment for as long as he will allow it to last. All too soon the warmth is gone and Tohma unfolds himself gracefully off the floor.

"And now it is really time for breakfast, my star singer. You are already late for work!" His voice fades as he disappears into the kitchen. I sit numbly chewing on Kuma's ear as I listen to the sounds of bowls being filled with cereal. 'Looks like Tohma likes pouring even more than you Kumagoro. He beat you to it!' Kuma wants me to go stop him before he can get to the orange juice but I remain on the floor, too drained to move. Eventually some warmth inside me returns and I realize it is because Tohma is back with a breakfast tray.

"Eat your vitamin pills first Ryu-chan" Tohma says in a voice filled with forced cheerfulness.

I look down at the tray. These are the 'vitamins' that make me loose track of time and forget how to feel! I don't like these vitamins one bit! But Tohma is standing over me. His beautiful eyes, so filled with pain. I can't let him worry about me any more! I close my eyes, swallow the pills, and eat all my breakfast in five minutes flat. Then I bound up to my bedroom to change and pull Tohma out the door as soon as I am done.

"Yaaaay I get to ride in a limo to work today!" I squeal with glee.

"You ride to work in a limo every day, silly." Tohma smiles at me cautiously.

"But today I get to ride in Tohma's limo, because Tohma is my friend and we're going to work together! And I get to sing and be shiny and eat lunch with Shuichi and maybe if I can find my crayons I'll draw a picture of Kuma for you Tohma; he's not a very good model because he doesn't like to sit still for long but if I promise him some carrot sushi he will sit as still as a stone and then it's easy to draw him na no da! He says I make his ears look fat but I heard fat ears are coming back into style so I tell him he shouldn't be so self conscious all the time…" I ramble on all the way to the studio and am relieved to see the worry lines slowly fade from Tohma's face as we slip back into our familiar roles. Pretending to be the people we once were before I ruined everything, five long years ago.

_To be continued..._


	2. Take me back to the start

It's dangerous to feel sad on a rainy day. Tohma told me this once when I was bummed out over a girl that dumped me, and I think back on it now as I wish I had someone with me to share this wisdom with. I stare glumly at the cloudy sky for a few minutes when the phone rings. As if he could read my mind, it's Tohma, asking if I want to come over to work on a new song tonight. We were so full of enthusiasm back then. Work didn't end when we left the studio, but continued throughout the night, threading together the very fabric of our lives. I feel my spirits instantly buoy at the sound of his voice, and dash over to his house without delay.

Later that night we are reclining in the plush leather chairs in Tohma's basement. He has it set up like some sort of discrete nightclub, complete with a bar and stage, where we had been jamming for several hours. Tohma is resting beside me with his eyes closed, the drink in his hand temporarily forgotten. I study his face as if I've never seen it before. Everything about my best friend is so deceptively delicate. Hair as soft as filtered daylight, presently plastered to his forehead with beads of sweat. His closed lids are so paper thin I wonder if I stood over him, would I be able to see right through them into his eyes? I drink in his small frame, the pale curve of his neck… I swear I can see his pulse fluttering there, like a captured butterfly struggling to escape. Finally my eyes trail down to his hands. The way his fingers curve around the glass. The way the condensed water is glistening on his fingertips. The way he is unconsciously moving his hand, ever so slowly, up and down the sides of the glass. I know I am not imagining this because he leaves a trail where the beads of water have been wiped off. I lick my lips as I watch his shining fingers move up and down. His gentle breathing becomes a roaring in my ears, so loud I jerk in shock when his movements stop and the sound of his voice shatters the spell I have been under.

"Oh I'm sorry Ryuichi… did I fall asleep on you? Think we should call it a night then?"

Not trusting my voice to respond, I flash a wide grin and nod in agreement.

On the walk home I breathe in the smell of wet pavement and moving clouds. It is a smell that makes me feel full to the brim with life, while at the same time making my mind so empty I can think more clearly then I have been able to in a long while.

This was the night I knew, Sensei. This was the moment I realized that I was in love with Tohma Seguchi.

XXX

The clock on the doctor's desk is getting on my nerves. The silence would be perfect if not for the jarring staccato of its ticking.

"It's perfectly normal to be in love, Sakuma-san. This is nothing to be ashamed of."

This one is by far the most un-shiny of the doctors I have ever talked to. When did I say anything about being ashamed? Not the brightest light bulb in the pack, that's for sure.

_Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick_

I struggle to suppress my annoyance and keep my voice light and carefree.

"I was very happy to discover that I was in love with Tohma. In fact, I couldn't wait to see him at work the next day and tell him how I felt."

"Very good. Expressing your feelings is essential in maintaining healthy relationships."

I wince. Luckily the wide brim of the hat I am wearing shadows my expressions. I know these lines so well I could become a psychiatrist myself, and a better one than the lady sitting across from me at that! At least -_I_-wouldn't have a freaking clock on my desk that is so bloody loud my patients can't hear themselves think!

"So tell me about the next day. Did you speak to Seguchi the way you had planned?"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's time for me to go now. Give me Kumagoro back!"

"Sakuma-san we still have half an hour before your time is up, and you know we have an agreement about checking your bunny at the door."

_Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick_

Why did Tohma think this doctor was any better than the others? Anyone who tries to come between a man and his only comfort has got to be bad news. I push myself off the couch and walk purposefully towards her desk. She studies me curiously with unblinking eyes. Like watching a caged bear, wondering what trick it is going to perform next. In one swift movement I pick up the heavy desk clock and throw it at the wall with all my might.

"Well -_I_- say our time is up."

With that I stalk out of the room, sweeping Kumagoro into my arms as I pass the reception desk.

Outside the sudden glare of the sun attacks me. I shield my eyes and look for Ken with my limo but then realize he won't be coming for another half hour.

I hear the door swing open behind me.

Footsteps coming closer.

'They can't make me go back in there!'

I try to walk down the steps to the parking lot at a relaxed pace but my heart is racing ahead of me.

'If I turn around they will catch me. I can't look back!'

The sound of an engine revving up startles me out of my panicked thoughts. There is a kid on a motorcycle a few feet away, motioning for me to get on. Without thinking I slide on behind him, pausing only to tuck Kumagoro gently into the helmet he passes me before securing it on my head. Finally we are off and it is safe to look around.

The footsteps led their owner to a car where he leisurely got in and drove away in the opposite direction.

"Thanks for saving me" I whisper huskily in the boy's ear.

At least, I -tried- to whisper huskily, but the roaring of the wind and the sea of traffic around us made whispering rather difficult.

I take a deep breath to attempt to shout my thanks to him when I inhale a bug and spend the next few minutes coughing and sputtering. When I feel ready to look up again I realize we are pulling in to my apartment.

'How did he know where I live? Who is this kid anyways?'

We glide to a stop and he cuts the motor, then turns to stare at me through the tinted visor of his helmet.

The silence is deafening.

I swing myself off awkwardly and ask Kuma what I should say to the boy, but my friend's voice is muffled for some reason.

The rider jumps easily off his bike and walks towards me mutely. I step back when he reaches for me but relax when he only unfastens my helmet and removes it carefully.

'Why is there still a weight on my head?'

'Oh Kuma, there you are.'

I pull him down and hug him tightly. Now I can be the Ryuichi I know this boy wants to see.

I flash a huge smile and lunge forward to yank off his helmet to thank him properly, when someone grabs my shoulder from behind.

"Ryuichi! You have -_got_- to stop running out of your appointments. The doctor called me and said you threw a temper tantrum, as well as a very expensive desk clock of hers. You know you make Kumagoro very disappointed with that sort of behaviour."

I whip around to stare into a pair of icy blue eyes that I know too well.

"Kuma-chan wouldn't -_know_- what I did because they took him away from me! Why do you make me go to mean people like that all the time K-san?"

His eyes narrow but I can see how they soften at the sound of desperation in my voice.

"Don't worry. I'll talk to them before your next appointment. They won't take Kuma away from you anymore." With that he guides me into the apartment with his arm firmly around my back. I lean into the warm strength it provides and breath in his scent. K-san smells like evergreens and leather, like a ranger fighting through the wilderness alone… and winning. Yes, my manager always gets what he wants, one way or another.

We are back in my living room. K is talking to me.

'What is he saying Kuma?'

He's asking who that boy was that I rode home with…

'What boy?'

Oh yes, I remember now, the creepy stalker kid that somehow knew where I lived without me telling him.

'What's that Kuma? You think I'd better not tell K that part?' He hasn't had to protect me from crazy fans for a while since no one knows I'm back in Japan yet, so he'd probably get over-excited.

'You're such a smart bunny. What would I do without you?'

Neither of us want to think about the answer to that question so we turn our attention back to the tall American. He has stopped talking now and is waiting impatiently for a response.

"I got to ride on a motorcycle K! It went VROOOOOM!" I stretch out my arms like an airplane and jet off to my bedroom to find my crayons.

K hesitates for a moment, then follows me up the stairs. By the time he enters my bedroom I have already run out of space on the sheet of paper I was drawing on, so I am busily continuing on across the floor.

"The noise was _this big_ K! It hurt my ears! Kuma didn't mind so much because he was hiding in my helmet… K, you've just sat down over where I have to draw next na no da… look out, look out or you'll be attacked by sound!" I drag my crayon towards his leg threateningly. Getting no reaction from this I then trace a line up to his hip to show I mean business.

He grabs my wrist when I get to the top of his leg, so suddenly I drop my crayon. His other hand cups my chin and tilts my head up so I can't avoid his eyes.

"Don't play games with me Ryuichi. I want you to promise me that you will never accept a ride from a stranger like that _ever_ again."

I hate the silence that has descended on the room like a thick blanket of fog. Now there is nothing to block the sound of my own thoughts, whispering that I am nothing, and will always be alone.

"Alright K I promise…Never ever…As Kuma is my witness." I tack on more fragments to my vow just to fill the void that is slipping into me as the seconds tick by.

"Good boy. It would kill me if anything happened to you."

He has still not released his grip on my face. Now he is pulling me closer and brushing my lips with a breath of a kiss.

But it is too late. I can't feel it. I am nothing again.

K must be kissing me harder this time as his grip tightens around me. I feel myself fading away to leave my body for K to enjoy. At least then someone will be happy.

'C'mon Kumagoro. Let's go play hide and seek in the forest!'

I am pressed to the floor and become lost in the scent of evergreens.


	3. Set it Free

"Rabbits don't eat pocky, silly. It gives them indigestion."

"Oh really? Then how do you explain the fact that half the pack is missing now and I just bought it this morning!"

"You must have eaten it yourself, subconsciously. Pocky really is good enough to hypnotize like that."

"Au contrer Ryu-chan. I savour every single bite of my strawberry pocky. I could -never- eat some without noticing."

I bask in the warm glow our friendly friction creates. Why can't life be this shiny all the time?

I push that thought aside impatiently.

"Ryuichi, Seguchi-san wants to see you in his office." K is behind me, as impassive as a shadow. Of course he is emotionless. He is paid to stay with me, after all. It's his business to look after me, but at the end of the day it is his wife and his son that he loves. I know this.

A ring of cool metal presses against my temple.

"Ryuichi, darling, you know how Tohma gets when he is kept waiting. Let's not be late, alright?"

I feel a thrill of fear, even though I know K would never, ever shoot me. I am afraid because every time he does this, for the briefest of moments, I wish he would.

xxx

Inside Tohma's office Kuma and I make ourselves at home.

"Ryuichi, this isn't a very comfortable position for us to hold a conversation in."

"Tohma-chan, what makes you say that? Kuma wants to know how heavy the conversation is. If we're going to have to hold it for a long time… we might need some help!"

As usual, Tohma gazes at me with such intensity I know he must understand what I'm trying to say, even if it sounds like nonsense.

Also as usual, he pretends to ignore the significance and closes his eyes in a smile.

"This won't take long. In fact, how about we go over and sit on the couch to relax?"

Tohma's head disappears from my view as he straightens and pushes himself up from his desk. I watch his feet make their way to the couch for a moment before I crawl out from my hiding place under the desk with Kuma in tow.

Sitting beside him now, I can't help but remember the last time we sat together here, just like this…

"Ryuichi, how are you feeling, being back in Japan?" The man beside me breaks my thoughts with his gentle words.

"Tohma…" My voice falters. I gaze down at Kuma-chan, take a deep breath, and try again.

"We're doing just fine Tohma! Kuma and I made friends with all the guys from Bad Luck, espically Shuichi! He's really fun to sing with! And we missed… we missed all the great food! You know Kuma and his carrot sushi. He gets pretty grumpy if he goes too long without it."

As I say this my gaze is fixed on a spot in the middle of Tohma's forehead. 'Please don't let him notice I can't look him in the eyes…'

He doesn't notice. Or at least, he would rather not deal with what he fears might be the truth, and so we continue in our pantomime.

"I'm very glad to hear that. Then, you wouldn't mind starting up Nittle Grasper once more? Watching Bad Luck perform has made me nostalgic."

'So that was why he called me here. And to think I thought… I had hoped he had asked me back because he had changed his mind. I had wished desperately that my absence had stirred even a fraction of the longing I had for him, in my soul mate's heart. But he still doesn't love me. Even now! Now, when his precious Eiri has fallen for another man… am I really that homely? That you would rather chase after an impossible dream and be lonely forever, rather than accept the reality that I love you more than life, and be with me?'

_Flashback_

I gaze into your aquamarine eyes. For the first time in my life, I've stopped hiding. I feel like I've been split down the middle and the child inside, naked, trusting and fragile, is shivering defenseless in the open.

I have told you how I feel.

We haven't moved our positions on the couch, so why does it feel like you are running away?

"Ryuichi, you know I'm marrying Mika. I -love- Mika."

"Don't lie to me Tohma! I've seen the way you look at Eiri. You never look at his sister that way! What makes him so special? Why can't you love me the way you love him?"

"I do care about you Ryuichi, and you are mistaken about my feelings for Eiri-san. All I want is to see him smile again."

Your eyes are closed. Your voice slides over me smoothly but relentlessly. I feel like I'm being run over by a train.

"Open your eyes and tell me again that you don't love Eiri Uesugi."

You open your eyes in shock at the severity of my tone. That has thrown the train off the tracks.

"Ryuichi, would you really want me to lie to you and pretend that I love you in the way that you want me to? Would you truly be satisfied, knowing I was only saying it because I care about you so much and want you to be happy?"

I am confused. This is not the way it is supposed to happen! I have always gotten everything I ever wanted… as soon as I realized a desire, all I had to do was reach for it and it would be handed to me right away. Why now, when there is something I would give up everything else to have, is it staying stubbornly out of my grasp?

"But, Tohma… why?"

You are saying I am your best friend, your coworker, your inspiration as a musician even. You are explaining the different types of love, and how one is not any stronger or more special than the others, only different. I remember this now only with a struggle. At the time I didn't hear a word of it, so filled was my mind with the word 'pretend'.

_End flashback_

We are on opposite ends of the couch now. You are the one that has asked the question, leaving you open and vulnerable, and I am the one that is forced to pretend.

"For sure Tohma! Singing in Nittle Grasper again will be fun!"

I tackle my new band mate in a hug that throws us both off the couch, then run out the door so he can't see my face. This game of pretend exhausts me.

xxx

I should have known I could never change his mind. Who could ever fall in love with a thirty year old child like me? I could never compare to the broken beauty that Eiri exudes. I wasn't good enough then, and nothing has changed. 'You'll never have him' a voice whispers in my head. Why do I have to be so boring?

I am curled up hugging my knees, alone in my apartment once again.

I thought I could never hurt as much as I did that first night Tohma betrayed me.

I was wrong.

I was just beginning to trust him again, to think that maybe, someday, the wound would finally heal.

Now that I am reopened, I realize I had forgotten just how painful it was in the beginning.

This… this is better than the blackness. I can feel the pain alive within me, fighting to break free.

'I'll help you out.'

Kuma wasn't with me that first night when I was rejected by the only one I will ever love; when I stumbled home, broken and bewildered. "I needed to get it out Kuma-chan. It was ripping apart my heart, and tearing up my insides. You understand, don't you?" I question the bunny at my feet.

The room is full of blue twilight. The usual bright pink of my Kumagoro appears now in this darkness to be a faded grey.

The moments pass. The pain intensifies. Kuma remains silent.

"I'm sorry Kuma-chan" I whisper, barely able to force the words out through the lump of twisting knives inside that has grown so large it chokes my throat.

Moving on autopilot, I find myself standing before my bedside table. I open the drawer. Kumagoro is shoved in, and slowly, slowly, my hand is drawn back out.

K has already gone through my apartment to make sure there is nothing at all sharp that I could use when I first moved in, but luckily I was able to sneak this out of the tool kit before he took it away, and so far he hasn't noticed it is missing.

The exact-o knife in my hand makes a quiet clicking noise as I raise the blade. It reminds me of the ticking of that clock on my doctor's desk.

I stare at the blade, cold silver in the moonlight. I hesitate.

'Nobody loves you. If they did, why would they let you be here all alone? Nobody cares enough to try to stop you.'

The pain throbs inside of me, begging to be released.

I place the blade on my chest, directly over the hurt, and drag it down to my stomach.

It feels like tiny prickles of fire are smoldering in the trail I just created down my chest.

I raise the knife and create another burning mark beside the first, then another, and another.

A low moan escapes my throat and my sweating palms cause me to loose my grip. With one last angry gash I let the knife clatter to the floor. My arms are shaking and I am gasping for breath, but I lie still in bed, finally at peace. The ache that was killing me inside has leaked out with the pinpricks of blood that are now budding along my front. I smile at the feeling of warmth created by the burning on my chest, and am slowly lulled to sleep by fiery waves of pain.


End file.
